my facebook friend requests are always from girls of boyfriends i have fucked, facebook is the worst reminder of shame
i just watched my husband get a prostate exam. sex is ruined for me.
As I was puking last night I told them "it's ok I'm a paramedic"
Or I die of a heart attack, which is the more likely/less fun scenario.
She's trying to feed the TV fried rice and screaming "FRIED RICE AND TEARS". Please bring me more booze.
I deem her datable let the dance of attraction commence
My vagina is screaming your name . Wtf did you do to it
Apparently she broke up w/ her bf like 3 weeks ago. She actually called me to be her bday hookup cause she's single now. Patience- the virtue that occasionally pays off.
As I was balls deep, she moaned "i can't wait to see what how hot our daughter will be". Instant de-boner
Well shit, I would've slept with him if I knew he was gonna be in the draft.
You're talking to someone who was 80% serious about breaking into someone's house and leaving a cat there with our names in a heart tag on its collar
Well he had a nice beard and it smelled good so there was no way I wasn’t going home with him.
Slept on the bathroom floor again. I hope when I turn 28 I’ll stop doing that
just saw a girl run into an automatic sliding door, back up and try again
Our livers get a hall pass for 2020, right?
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