Please tell me I didn't pass out while we were having sex last night... and if so I am sooooo sorry.
my mom just found my flavored lube in the basement. she gave me a lecture about how "giving head is degrading" omg i feel sooooo bad for my dad
Does the phrase 'traumatizing near-threesome' mean anything to you.
She's walking around topless with a bottle of red wine, crying and singing showtune ballads. This is actually an improvement.
Subtly mention that I'm not a lesbian. I would only go for rebecca's nipples because they're pierced and I like shiny things.
you're being stingy. if you didnt want people to have sex on your couch, you shouldve specifically said so.
hey give me heads up if you're feeling vulnerable tomorrow night
We passed out in his car so I had to find a way to inconspiciously make my walk of shame back inside to go get my shit. To make things more difficult I had no pants and the whole neighborhood was awake
Wrapped in a blanket, just ate a whole party pizza. All my dreams are coming true and you don't even care.
His mom walking in on us having sex was probably the highlight of the night
i feel like when you brought up the possibility of you getting pregnant the sexting is over
Uh I almost got the bride to go down on me. I'm the smoothest maid of honor ever.
If I die it's either cuz I undercooked my burger or because I used questionable cheese. I have no pants on, so if there's a wellness check, you go in first.
8 minutes into the New Year and and I've already sent a nude...new year, new me?
Found my paycheck. It was in the freezer
Randomize
