ya know if you hadnt broke up with me, that porno we made wouldnt have a 3.3 rating on youporn right now...
if i get the "i'm engaged" text one more time, i'm going to shoot myself in the face so my cats won't eat it when i die alone.
I feel like a bad episode of csi trying to figure everyone's DNA that's in me
why would she cut her hair? she needs all the distractions possible from those texas-sized gums and horse teeth.
It's been over a month and I still can't find the bra I wore out on new years eve.
either she was really happy we won flip cup, or she was too drunk to notice her boyfriend behind her.
Cuz its complicated and I hate complicated and I miss your penis
I might come over. Something about you makes me matronly and I have this urge to nurse you back to health with soup and a blowjob
Kinda forgot to grab tampons. Mind if I run to my house to get one? I'd rather not turn my green skinny jeans Christmas colors
So apparently after I spilled candle wax down the front of my pants, I went to the store, bought condoms, and passed them out to everyone at the bar.
I thought they were lying to me about the condoms, until I found the receipt in my pocket.
Spent 20mins wondering why my roommate wouldn't answer after we were pounding on the door.....Def went to the wrong building.
He said he discovered the mysteries of the universe inside an orange... I want whatever he was on.
Good for you, kid with a beer in hand as you walk to your 11 am class.
I thought this was a dry campus.
That means you have to bring your own beer from home.
I told my mom Jesus would want me to snort drugs on his birthday
Drunk man just fell out of said wheelchair
Randomize
