If a fat man falls in the shower and nobody is in the apartment, does his pride still hurt? Answer: yes
so I was like, you know platform 9 3/4? I know something else with those measurements. best. pick up line. ever.
The chick I went home with last night had a happy trail
i'm pleased to announce i can now open a bottle of wine with my shoe if called upon to do so.
I told him he was my first gentile. He was so flattered.
I didn't know how to tell her I was too busy getting stoned and making a baked potato to meet up and finish our group project.
they would be such cute babies and they would grow up to have huge dicks. and that would make me proud as a mother
Close. The correct answer is shitting in a public toilet. We also would have accepted the pit of despair.
I feel like someone had their period in my eyes.
I'm sorry I got a little outta control last night.
So I bought some random chick a shot she puked in her hands then I watched her make out with my roommate
I can never go back to Jacksonville. We think I may have punched a child in the face while on acid...
And then after we fucked he wouldn't stop calling me "champ". It was like I had sex with an extremely attractive soccer coach
getting busted for public urination is like, a step above j-walking. you'll be fine
There was a point where you were singing "Friends in Low Places" to yourself while Juicy J was playing so I got worried.
you left your anal beads in the dishwasher
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