Im so sleepy and hes snoring super loud! i just wanna suffocate him, sleep, and deal with the body when I wake up
i just jacked off to lindsey vonn, i feel so patriotic
USA! USA! USA!
woke up on my stairs with half a hot dog beside me and the last text I sent was "i make hot dog in toasTer" .
Threw a lawn chair at the neighboors dog. I think I killed him. Come here and assess this
I am assuming I was his dirty Mardi Gras mistake and I can live with that
I should have taken pre-gaming this lunch date more seriously.
I've woke up in his bed 4 out of the past 6 mornings. I feel like this might be the time to learn more about him then his first name and what kind of beer he drinks.
I miss college girls! You know how depressing it is to fuck 30 year olds? That's what failure feels like
I woke up in a hospital at three in the morning only to realize my pee is now going to be orange. I've grown to realize I've made all the right decisions
I totally OverDed on K2 last night. I felt like I was made of lead and then I had a panic attack.
I told two kids in their homecoming outfits to use a condom because of Ebola. I may have saved a life last night
Hey, you can never be fully sure you're straight until you jerk off to gay porn
Just paid my weed guy with a check. I've got this whole adult thing down.
My condom drawer is now filled with W-2s and tax return documents. Is this adulting?
You kept sayin "its alright, I'm pre-med" to everything we said. EVERYTHING.
Randomize
