$35 all you can drink last night. Friend 1 woke up in a hotel lounge, friend 2 pissed himself and woke up wearing friend 1's spare pants, and my toilet indicates I threw up extensively.
Tip for today: never try to fart and swallow at the same time. You'll end up choking on whatever you are currently swallowing and shit yourself from the freakout of choking.
i looked up his schedule, waited outside his classroom, and handed him the receipt for plan b
no. i just ate a whole thing of hot dogs. me and regret are sleepng alone tonigh.
They should try giving mcdonalds to cancer patients because it just cured the worst hangover ive ever had
You convinced us both to take shots of jack Daniels through our eyes.
i looked down and was like "oh shit thats blood" then it was like "shit, thats not my blood." then it was like whos blood is this??
I love THIS fish, the rest of the ocean can go fuck itself. I am ahab and he is my whale
All of my exes are either overweight and neckbearded or dead. Someone out there is looking out for me.
He sat down, pointed at my Converse and said "I have the same shoes." I thought "I'm going to have sex with you by the end of the night."
Ick. That's not even the fun kind of punishment.
Moms love me. I'm the reminder that they need to turn safe search on.
I mean she did throw a tantrum because you wouldn't let her suck your dick
i feel as though me waking up and asking her if i went to the hospital was a sign that i was not okay
Dear in laws. I am not spending any holidays with you. I dislike your company. A lot.
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