omg so im topless lying on my bed and i forgot my nail clippers are on my bed and i just leaned forward and the nail clipper closed. on my nipple. ouch
im 80% sure the guy across from me is taking pictures of my legs
I woke up with semen in my invisalign. My molars were just marinating in it
I know it may not be fiscally responsible to pregame fifty cent night, but I'm gonna go ahead and do it anyway.
i threw up on the table at the pizza place and peed in her room mates closet. i wouldnt invite me back either
Besides the whole peeing blood for a week thing, it was the best sex of my life.
How do I know I'm high? Let me count the ways.
1. I put the milk in the cupboard, 2. Everything tastes fucking amazing, 3. My dog is really soft, 4. The lunesta butterfly flew out of my tv and touched me
He was running late for work this morning, so I helped him out by finding a matching pair of black socks. And I hated it. So I'm currently drinking and reminding myself of the reasons I will never get married.
Sex on the scooter in the parking lot wasn't the smartest idea. Actual quote from the cop as he handed me the ticket and fist bumped me.
If I got everything I wanted in the world, I would have been forcing soup down your throat hours ago
I took a sleeping pill while he was in the bathroom. Time for a game of how long can we bang before I fall asleep.
You are both horrible and amazing
We are not having sex in the fucking kindergarten
He held my hair while I gave him a blow job. Now that's teamwork.
Im four hours late for work AND i pissed my bed
I got drunk and bought a house last night. Also, I threw up on Mike's lawn. I'm pretty excited about one of those two things.
Randomize
