Another f*ing night of vodka youporn and xanax. I need to get a goddamn life
3 great things that go great together... But not on a Friday night. Perfect on say... a Tuesday.
All i learned in high school was how to sell drugs
My new years resolution is to be alive new years morning
Do you think we're allowed to sign male strippers into the building with a valid id?
I'm pretty sure last night was the first time I've seen someone drink beer-soaked paper towels. Ever.
Literally the only clue I have to try and figure out my blackout adventures is a draft on twitter that just says "Mummies alive!"
i want to shrink myself down to penis size, climb inside of her pussy and just live there for a few months.
ACTUALLY FUNNIEST MOMENT OF THE NIGHT WAS WHEN YOU WERE TALKING TO HIM AND YOU SAID "WHEN YOU MEET ME IN REAL LIFE I WILL BE A LOT ANGRIER." And then he said "WHEN I MEET YOU IN REAL LIFE I WILL BE LESS DRUNK, HOPEFULLY."
Life lesson 8263 if drinking a beer in the shower be careful when shampooing... Tresemme flavored rolling rock sucks
Stop it with the monkey emojis. It's like sexting with Curious George
I think the only option is to smoke so much weed I just pass out for 3 days.
It's one of the few times I hit fuck it levels of not caring
And somehow i feel like your expectations will turn out to be illegal in some way.
Did you get your nipples pierced? I felt something poking through my shirt earlier and I really didn't want to say anything in front of your grandma...
Hey, I'm sleeping in your car...lol just knock on the window in the morning
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