Just had to reach into my sister's bag and shut off her vibrator so my parents wouldn't hear it. I am the world's greatest brother.
I told my girl, that I use to jerk off to Star Trek. All she says is, "Oh my gawd, you're such a trekie!". If I was her, I'd be weirded out more than me being a Trek Fan.
Call me at 7:30 and make sure I'm not asleep in this booth at Waffle House.
She's an ex-convict. She actually got stabbed in the face with a pen while in prison. No big deal.
The carpet cleaning people refuse to steam clean human feces. I'll call back later and blame it on the dog not you
Im drunk with people I love less than you. fix it.
You will go out on a boat of flames filled with honor, sarcasm, and assholery, let me assure you.
Yo, I can't just ask my mom where she relocated my vibrator to, can I?
Come on there are only so many drink coaster sizes nipples in the world
ever had one of those days where you say fuck it and lick the inside of a bag of chips
My mom is currently out with her lesbian friends and I'm home alone drunk listening to the Les Miserables soundtrack. WHY DO I FEEL THE NEED TO COMPETE WITH HER?
Mike passed out early so we kept filling his mouth with redi-whip and letting the dog lick it out, but he started getting hives so we stopped.
I just googled "can they trace a vibrator back to you" so that' s how my life it going.
I'm actually pinning crap for Friendsgiving like a boss right now. These bitches better show up.
you ripped my door off of the hinges, kicked it in half and then proceeded to throw it down the stairs because i wouldn't make you a cheese burger
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