i got pulled over in my 'cops love me' tshirt. he didn't think it was funny when i pointed it out.
i'm laying naked in your bed you should probably come home
move.
We had one of those mutual "I know your on a dating website, I won't tell if you won't" glances.
Nothing says "I'm a sorority girl" like puking at 830 in the am, wearing my anti-hazing pin, and getting ready for a tea party.
I've slowly been stuffing french fries down his pants. I'm at 31 and he hasn't even noticed.
Is there a non-awkward way to tell a girl I work with that she looks just like my favourite pornstar?
He stopped mid-sex to read the subtitles on a Korean movie we had playing in the background.
Here's a tip. Don't party with someone that needs sexual attention. Drinking and sexual attention don't mesh well in the morning. Especially over a bowl of Cheerios.
We need to drink more. Just think how awesome it would be to wake up in a trailer and NOT remember how wee got here.
This isn't just a hangover. I can feel the blood moving through my veins, and it hurts.
Definitely but only if you hit on the 16 year old in the karate class as part of your waffle and gin fueled sexually deprived rage.
I have a third degree burn on my inner thigh from the blunt dropping on me in the car
Omphalophobia is a real thing. don't ever fucking touch my belly button again dude
I just ordered $70 worth of pizza and I'm not even ashamed. Happy Valentine's Day to me.
But being sober is boring. Everything takes so long, I feel like I'm just waiting in line to die.
Randomize
