i have some very unhappy turtles in my backseat
I left my toothbrush at her house. This is getting way too serious for me.
I justified spending $400 stocking my bar to my sister by saying it was an investment
Personally I think it's a tremendous investment
After he convinced me that my friend had died and come back to life, I decided I was having sex with him that night, and that I should lay off the drugs for a while.
Between the hair pulling and the choking its its more like combat than sex
Sorry I have an "Operation Iraqi Freedom" fantasy
The rest of the concert I just stared at the lights and didn't really listen to the music cuz I was trying to make sure my brain still worked cuz my face was numb and I couldn't move... Yeah I'm not a weed brownie person
HE'S BRINGING FRIED MAC AND CHEESE BITES. I GET FRIED MAC AND CHEESE AND SEX PEOPLE. BEST WEDNESDAY EVER.
I'm not drunk because I think my blood just is alcohol from last night so being drunk is sober. If that makes sense
I woke up hugging a box of cheerios that had "wonder woman" written in sharpie on it. So much for a sober night.
We did it in the bar bathroom and the bathroom attendant sold us a condom. I love Nashville
Just try not to have a boner when you're giving your best man speech, it will really kill the vibe
Things were going really well until his cousin showed up. She told him I look kind of like his mom, which started a ten-minute debate on my and his mother's specific features, and ultimately, who is prettier. Guess who my date picked.
I'm feeding a baby and swiping on tinder...what has my life come to?!?!
Don't come back. They don't have pants.
Oh god.
God has nothing to do with this.
Everyone in Columbus is two degrees of separation from my vagina.
Randomize
