Lets drop out of school and be professionally skinny and drunk
Why did I call the Oregon Department of Transportation at 4:30 in the morning, and who did I talk to for three minutes?
I have the worst wedgie. Seriously. Its horible. And there are people everywhere around me.
Slide your hand down the back of your pants and shift to the side slowly
...are you coming on to me?
I tried to go shot for shot with some guy called "shit show martinez"
I told him that all frat guys do it... it was that easy to get him to go down on me.
Rooting for you and your team in the Beer Olympics this afternoon...! Love you, Mom
she was puking red wine out the car window, telling me about how shes joining weight watchers tomorrow, not okay.
This bowl of cereal would be the size of a giant's bowl-piece. It's. that. big.
How much did you smoke??
Also was told that I was her "third favourite booty call" - I'm taking this a good thing right?
It's a podium place so yeah...
I guess crabs is what I get for sleeping with my ex.
I have the starring role in a literal shit show.
Is it weird that i want a guy to ask me to homecoming by spelling it out in meatballs?
THATS VERY WEIRD
I farted in his bed and then in my drunken stupor grabbed hair defanging spray to cover up the stench.
I drank beer out of a Frisbee and it was all downhill from there...
how the FUCK did i spend 25 dollars at 50 cent beer night?
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