one should ask oneself what kind of lifestyle one is leading when one finds a handprint of semen on their pillow the next day.
i like that you affectionately refer to him as "creepy" ever time you talk about him
He just made me a heart out of cocaine... i think i'm in love
This girl just introduced herself as Queefer Sutherland. She's on a roller derby team. What. The. Fuck.
Showed up 2 hours late and still drunk nobody gave me a high five. This intership is bullshit.
Do you think it's illegal to work at a bar if you're on probation for a DUI? I need a night job where I can meet men.
Wow. I feel like a bad friend. My fuckbuddy wished you a happy birthday before I did. The reality of that just hit me.
max decided it would be a good idea to run down the hall and smack down the exit sign. now we are sitting in the emergency room, and he is wearing the sign as a bracelet
My last google search is "how to build a flamethrower"
So I walked in on her and she had taped her fingers together and was crying and was whispering something about "how humbling it is being in constant glove mode"
Last night dinner was cinnamon buns and whiskey. At least tonight I had a fajita with my cookies and tequila. I may be a little stressed about these end of semester tests.
Drunk logic "let's go outside in front of the bar to get sick"
I was about to share my drunken story from the weekend, but two friends getting married and one finding out she's pregnant makes Saturday in jail look a little suspect.
If I had feelings, you would have hurt them.
tonight at the bar some people told me that I have a sprit following me around.. that's the kind of shit that you laugh off till you're home alone.
Randomize
