I'm way too horny to be at work right now. I think it might be legally irresponsible to leave me alone with cucumbers.
the last thing i remember saying is "hope you like body hair"
I chased a girl up a staircase screaming because she had a cardboard cut out of James Dean which, at the time, I believed to my friend being held against his will
she tends to only attract lesbians and homeless men
I gave up trying to understand them years ago. Now I'm just trying to fuck them.
Oh god I just realized bird face had che Guevara tattooed on her upper arm. Deals off, readivised opinion
She judged ME for picking my nose when SHE has the clap.
Nothing better than going to Mass on Easter Sunday with "I love penis" henna tattooed across your back. Love your Indian culture.
"He was so not worth staining my backseat for."
dying me prepared for dead me... i woke up with my laptop open to the last snl episode, a bottle of gatorade, advil and a bag of chocolate all next to me
I get so many dick pics from him...He has an unhealthy obsession with his own penis...
You could sing the national anthem right before we have sex. Make it feel like a sporting event
I think he's an actor
That's not a good enough reason to wear guy-liner
My Uber driver last night was driving a taxi and tried to charge me fare.
You didn't get in your Uber because your ex was driving, that was a legitimate taxi.
Nice girl until she takes off the fake human suit and shows you the flesh eating demon she truly is
Randomize
