I woke up (not at home) to find out I kissed Ryan Caberra, flashed for free gumbys and carried around an inflatable moose named Johnson. Great success.
My mom just drunkenly told me i was conceived in the back of a car, at a Bon Jovi concert.
Dear male population: sorry for being such a dick tease but thanks for paying for my bar tab and drunk food
sometimes in life you just needs hand puppets
I used to practice getting hit by cars.
Take your time, they're doing body shots off the dog.
Come over and help me clean up your so-called "winter wonderland" that you made with the fire extinguisher in the kitchen last night.
then he tried to tell me how many times he had seen Scott's dick. his estimate was about 180 times. he thought I didn't understand.
Well would you like to come over anyway? I will be wearing sweatpants and disappointment. Also, I have Jack Daniels and I've managed to get drunk in under half an hour. But my boobs look awesome.
Could have had sex with an ex NFL kicker last night.
That would've been embarrassing.
After a while I was so wet that I started crying. HE MADE ME SO HORNY I WEPT.
PLEASE AT LEAST MEOW SO I KNOW YOU AREN'T DEAD
You know you've been on Tinder too long when you're the guy cropped out of the profile pic. Of a woman you're still seeing...
It's not "nice." It's the supermodel of dicks.
Is it bad when your own grandmother calls you a whore?
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