She’s leaving for college so I made her a gift basket with all the essentials. You know- Ramen, a 12 pack of PBR, some leftover Plan B pills and a laminated business card for a good lawyer. Damn I’m a good big sister.
So I'm on the can right now reading a court transcript for an appeal. Some dude is paying $155 an hour for me to take a shit.
the date was going great.. until he pulled down his pants and asked if there was any hair in between his cheeks.
she ate the whole pudding cup using only her tongue. i'm considering going lesbian for her
He cooked me dinner. I showed my appreciation by showing up shithoused and breaking a bottle of steak sauce on his floor.
no i brought the cat to the bar. I got a weird look when I walked in but now everyone loves her.
I want to start this convo out by apologizing for the broken toaster.
Russell brand is gross. Everytime I see him I just wanna give him a bath. He's like a used condom.
He held back my hair as I puked, then kindly asked me to slightly move my head over and pissed right next to my face.
Well I woke up and my arm was bleeding. And my blood is on the wall in the hallway.
Umm
No idea. I blame fireball.
Valid.
Who told you that acid and Jurassic World was a good idea?
dont remember, but I'm pretty sure I was convinced that the hybrid dinosaur was satan the whole time. It was actually very spiritual
That's not the problem. The problem is I thought I was over him but he smells nice today.
And two different second-graders said my make up was pretty. It's left over from last night bc I woke up 5 min before I was supposed to leave.
I think I broke my toilet with my head. There are ceramic pieces everywhere. and I might still be drunk.
I got up and left his place at 3am because I remembered I had a burrito in my car.
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