Just saw a squirrel crossing the road in a crosswalk..my morning has improved exponentially.
just saw someone puke all over a michigan fan. he didn't even flinch.
You act like this is the first time i've fingered two 17 year olds at the same time
both the worst and best vomit ever... it was extra chunky and thick cause of the sausage... but it also tasted like delicious sausage... also cause of the sausage
Just saw a woman in a hospital gown with a Steelers jersey on top smoking a cigarette while hooked up to an IV outside of the hospital. I love Pittsburgh.
Announcement: Given the sad circumstances regarding the death of my dearest friend Chong the Bong, there will be a brief memorial service for him tomorrow evening at 10:30 at my place. After sharing some memories and sending his spirit off to the great bowl in the sky, we will all take place in the commemoration and maiden voyage of his son, Chong Squared, who eagerly waits to meet all of you. High blessings to you all, piece be with you.
I told him I would only take his calls if he was dead, dying, capturing a midget, or buying me shots.
I stand by my new policy.
I just farted so loud someone came to check on me. Thought something fell in my office.
I made it to work. Still drunk. Definitely pregnant.
I'm a grown ass woman, I need to get fucked
After you finished the $300 bottle of wine you just started crying about how if Mulder and Scully didn't invite you to join the x-files your life would be meaningless because you "love that weird shit"
I was mad at him...then I jerked off. Now I'm over it. Orgasms fix everything, I swear.
Really I don't care what we're doing or watching. Your penis spends way too much time outside of my body.
She looked like a cross between Jesus and John Lennon. So I fucked her. I feel majestic and powerful.
After the "sex" was over I dressed as quickly as possible. And then he came over to me stark naked and embraced me. For over a minute. And all I could think was please get your penis off my dress.
Randomize
