24 hour fitness called offering me a free trial stating that you referred them to me. I told them you have been taking pics of naked guys in the locker room and selling them online.
That's not a bad idea, actually...
As your boss, I feel obligated to tell you that turning our management meeting into a kegger may just be the best idea you've given me yet.
I feel like royalty, that girl from last night had a vajazzled vag. Bucket list complete.
I just had to blow my nose on a mcdonalds receipt in my car. Its time to stop doing coke.
My last memory involves me naked in a mens's bathroom stall. I really hope my date was with me.
I was still in a towel. We hadn't even started drinking yet and the champagne bottle dropped and exploded literally up into my vagina.
When we found you, you were using the bottle of Captain as a pillow...with a note on your forehead that said don't wake up the champion.
So I'm at that stage in my life where I am stalking my stalker just to get laid
I can't wet the bed. That was the old me. I'm grown
Oh my god
My gut is currently telling me that Jesus did not intend for us to eat shrimp pad thai on Easter
Is this a considering it or regretting it text?
I just shit out what feels like an entire shrimp with claws and all. You tell me.
He showed up to a baby shower and kept telling everyone he was late because he was pregaming. And then tried honking the pregnant girls tits
Well I'm going to San Francisco next weekend for pride. I'm sure I'll end up drunk and on a beach at some point.
I'm drinking vodka. Get ready for my famous "come over" mass snapchats
Knowing how to carefully mix my vices has to be the #1 skill I've gotten from pharmacy school
Everyone needs to leave the house so I can use the good vibrator without being judged.
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