Hey, remember that girl at rocklobster you thought was hot but were to pussy to talk to? You were right, her boobs are fake and she gives the best head on the planet. Can you come pick me up?
You're dead to me.
Got a basket, 50 condoms, some candy, 100 plastic eggs & my bunny costume. Campus will feel my wrath in 2 weeks
woke up this morning with a fat chick but she went downstairs and made pancakes without saying a word.
THERE ARE SO MANY GREAT DICKS IN THE WORLD. HOW DID I NOT DISCOVER THIS SOONER!?
So I realized I'm not completely sober when the automatic toilet flushed and I screamed
Hey I think I found part of your tooth next to your wine bottle in the floor board of my car.
Its like every time I go out with you, it always involves Serbian chicks and taco bell and you always manage to get both all over my bed.
they paper machayed me.
i told you ... never pass out drinking with preschool teachers.
Currently shopping online for cardboard cutouts of various horror characters. That should teach me roommates to stop taking acid on Tuesdays.
It doesn't matter how many beers you've had, it's unacceptable to piss in someone's helmet after a playoff win.
maybe facebook could make a notification like "someone tagged a photo of that guy you used to bang and still think is really hot with his shirt off"
Apparently I called him, said "vodka" and then hung up on him.
Gramp just called her sex-on-a-stick. AKA HE CALLED HER A WHORE. My 75 year old grandfather just called your ex's new thing a whore.
Yeah we fucked. I ran into her the next day, I had to pick up the girl scout cookies I ordered from her boyfriends kids.
I made a separate snapchat account so I could swap nudes with a guy from omegle.
Why do all of your bad decisions sound like fucked up mad libs?
Randomize
