Just tried calling my phone on my phone because i thought i lost my phone.
once the "do it" chant starts, any shot at an even remotely dignified party experience is dead.
decided to have an easter egg hunt this year. the golden egg has weed in it and all the others have shots of vodka. who said we were too old for easter?!?
It could have went better. They kicked us out of the casino and I drunkenly whipped her across the face with a fishing pole. Long story.
who has that picture of us looking like alcoholics at the zoo?
Ideas for halloween. We need simple yet hilarious. Cheap yet effective. Slutty yet acceptable. Go.
lit a joint with my parents wedding matches today, this is what happens when you're out of lighter fluid. didnt even feel guilty.
The cougar has a calendar on her wall of when she can give topless handjobs again. I pity her husband.
We won't have time to talk.. I'll be rolling you a blunt and you'll be getting naked.
i ended up making out with my new neighbor in a stranger's car that we found unlocked on a driveway somewhere. apparently drunk self never say "no" to adventure.
I need to start using my boobs for good instead of weed. Although really they're kind of the same thing
I told my coworker that I'm going to a dinner party and was asked to bring wine and pregnancy tests and he was like.. I miss being 20
sorry for pouring tequila vodka and whiskey down your throat and left you to sleep on a table
Also. Picked being late to work over the maid finding my vibrator. Life choices....
The cat likes watching me spank Michael. I don’t know how to feel about this.
Randomize
