I accidentally broke up with him while I was drunk which is really too bad since I'd just gotten a birth control perscription so we could start having sex.
Do you think he'd take me back if I said "dude, we need to get back together or this IUD is going to have an existential crisis for not realizing its full potential"?
I just got wrote up for "repeatedly smelling like alcohol"
That was long passed due.
Put your dick on his face to wake him up, dont worry its fine.
I am paying my roommate as much of the electric bill in pennies as possible because I hate her.
Most sexually ambiguous night of my life. Kept switching from the NBA finals to the Tonys.
Apparently after taking body shots off of a guy i haven't seen since 1st grade, i ate a stick of butter, showed everyone my tampon string, and fell off the boat. my uggs belong to the sea now
I picked the lock on the bathroom door and sang him a song while he pooped. Why is he mad?
Last thing I remember clearly was, "ok, but if we're are gonna get drunk before class, there's no half-doing this"
Whatever. I just smoked another bowl so I don't care and wow I just noticed how fast my thumb moves when I text. I'm amazing.
I see your walk of shame and raise you a day in jail wearing a girls old workout clothes.
I need an inhaler full of pot for all of this breathless rage.
My room looks so cute. Who wouldn't want to hook up with me in here?
I never imagine I'd say this, but can I ask Jeff for the butt plugs back even though it was a gift and we broke up?
you told me you wanted to be a soccer mom with a high tolerance then you put the bottle to your face
Oh no. He's definitely text-flirting with me. No straight man over 30 has any other excuse to use so many smiley faces...
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