new low, i just stole money from my 5 year old sister to buy condoms
i either got mauled last night by a velociraptor or an angry lipstick lesbian. could have been both
i was watching iron chef and got motivated, so i made dinosaur chicken nuggets
a girl just showed up to class in a zip up hoddie and sweat pants. said she over slept. i guess she got hot and unzipped it , it was only then she realized was sleeping without a shirt or bra.
Lucky for you, I found your phone.....Not so lucky for you, it was in the bottom of your vomit-filled trashcan.
I think the waitress doesn't beleive I have friends coming. I've had 4 drinks and a large salad just waiting for you guys.
a garbage man just dropped off my phone and wallet. he found them in the trash this morning.
Chances are I'll be there for your wedding. Camelbaks filled with jack and coke are appropriate attire, right?
i'm just sitting here going through her tagged pics, covering up different parts of her face to try and figure out exactly what it is that makes her so ugly.
I was throwing up in the shower. He was throwing up on me. It was a cute couple moment for us.
I'm sitting in front of a fan naked drinking Gatorade. Motherfucking hangover probs
Our DD painted my costume on me for tonight. The strippers have been teaching him how to paint costumes.
Is this making any sense, because I’m puking and trying to be Philosophical right now
She’s super into those renaissance faires. But, if you can’t actually stab anyone, what’s the point?
Being high is definitely not the perfect addition to this family dinner. No. My grandma trips me the fuck out.
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