I'm doing a half mile walk of shame carrying a trash bag and still very drunk. Save me. I feel like a refugee.
I should have some sort of frequent buyer card or something. I just bought my third bottle of Captain this week. It's Wednesday.
I fell asleep with my vibrator still in me. I am the Queen of Sad Masturbation.
Apparently I whispered "Jesus was here" and bailed out of the moving taxi.
After last night, I've decided I will now bang only men who professionally ride things for a living. I will accept jockeys, cowboys, bullriders, and pro bicyclists who lie and say they're bullriders.
Just saw an all male dolphin threesome from underwater viewing
Ummm, my mojito just spilled on 2 essays as I'm grading. Who says high schoolers have all the fun?
You have to start asking people if they're gay before you kiss them..
I'm just trying to absorb as much of the fluids from the carpet as I can.
okay. well, yeah. i'm a mess and a half. this shit is not what dumbledore died for.
I got an assistant at work. First task was picking me up at a strip club. I was drunk and trying explain how it was work related
I want to be "performing a disservice to society by actually wearing clothes in public" hot.
After we finished having sex, he drunkenly tried to hugh five me, farted, then accused me of stealing his socks.
I've spent hours masturbating before. It's actually my favorite Sunday activity
Do you remember vividly describing the shape and girth of my cock to that girl last night?
Randomize
