How does everyone that never saw me naked know I'm built like a smurf?
The bartender told me the best pick-up line was to look deep into her eyes and tell her your gonna flick her vagina
New discovery: conditioner is better for jerking off than baby oil. Fuck yes.
No, i know about the eggs and penis, the oh wow was for the fire
She is singing the swedish chef song and throwing utensils. I love this place
It feels like I'm being stabbed in the uterus with a rake. That night was totally worth it though. Thanks.
There's hot sauce all over my mirror, lamp shade and dresser. Also it's your turn for weed
I fucking hate tequila. Tequila makes me hate pants.
A fair warning: I don't think a cop will let you off the hook just because your birthday is on New Year's Eve
But like now I know, men who are vegetarians are significantly worse in bed.
I think I died and satan has brought me back to life and I'm paying for my sins with this hangover
Like you haven't hit rock bottom until you have had to throw your own turd out a window
But I made it seem like I wasn't hungover at work, so that's a plus.
the night literally screamed "cock and ball torture"
One of your 'guests' left her bra in the kitchen.
Dude, does it look like any of the women I bring home wear bras?
Randomize
