Dude just bought condoms some sad fuck next to me buying a pregnancy test he gave me a look like he'd pay me millions to switch places
The mystery has been solved. Seagulls have sex doggy-style.
I mean can we take a second to high five on our sex life? I love us.
The last thing I remember is yelling "ill handle this" while wearing a lion suit and holding a jug of vodka when the RAs came
I got kicked out of a mexican restaurant last night for being too drunk. This is getting dangerously close to rock bottom
We need to put it on a rope attached to the bong, so it can't be dropped. Apparently, you need a stem safety leash.
Judging by the garbled spelling in the calendar reminders in my phone, drunk me really wanted sober me to take a pregnancy test today.
Next time someone asks you what your spirit animal is do you really want to answer the iowa state fair butter cow?
She sleeps with her hand around my balls. First I thought it was just a comfort thing. Now I think it's to make sure I can't slip away in the middle of the night.
we just drove past a kid stuck in a tree what a wonderful time to be alive
she walked through the crowd, completely naked, slapped a pool attendant in the face and stole the towel he was carrying. she used it to dry her hair.
Just burnt my tongue. Not sure if it will help or hurt giving blow jobs
Whose panties are you wearing on your head and why are you sending me pics of it?
Just because I also want a blowjob doesn't mean I don't want to just see you too.
I stole a block of cheese from the party last night and put it in my purse but I got so drunk that I left my purse on the floor and my dog ate it.
Randomize
