I'm playing wingman, but I want to pull a Goose and die.
I dinstinctly remember making out to "I believe I can fly" and waving my arms like a bird to the beat.
Sometimes i look at the biltmore estate and wonder just how small George Vanderbilt's penis was...
Dude, she uses Old Spice. It smelled like I was eating out my grandfather.
I just looked at the maps icon on my IPhone and "eR" was typed in the search address bar. I wonder if we ever got there.
He called himself excalibur. Thats all I remember.
The background of my phone is you taped to the wall wearing a cowboy hat
I thought he wouldn't talk to me again. You know, what's that saying "why buy the cow when you can fuck it six hours after meeting"
I'm so eating pot-chocolate cookies while preggers. This kid will be so amazing.
i got a standing ovation for bringing skittles to the party
My roommate was being an ass so I put everyone's drinks/shots on his tab for the entire night. Then when we left he was telling me how he got out cheaper than last time.
I just held a marble with my kegel muscles for 5 min. You may call me COCKCLAMP 9000!!!!
I was a plus one at an intervention for a person I didn't know.
I've made a single handle of rum last like three weeks and my mom hasn't even acknowledged it.
I just snorted sandwich everywhere.
I hope it smells nice :)
IT DOESN'T BECAUSE I HAVE MEAT COMING OUT OF MY NOSE, DAMNIT.
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