my night went downhill once I lost my bikershorts. EAWSSSSYY ACCESS
why was he too nerdy?
he was a tetris block for halloween
He said I came instead of I'm coming. I wonder if he noticed my state of confusion when I stopped blowing him.
Wasn't he an English major?
I should just tell him this. He doesn't need to be all nice and ask me on dates and to do gay stuff like hangout during the day. I'll still sleep with him regardless.
I don't have the urge to be a home-wrecker with these two. I think I've grown, don't you?
I also tried to drunkenly adopt a kitten last night. It didn't pan out.
guess who's bored in chemistry researching how to sneak weed through airport security in her vagina?
Water park on acid. THIS NEEDS TO HAPPEN!!
Oh. My. God. Dad smoked a bowl. He's been playing cards...I just told a story and when I was done, he got really close to my face and very seriously asked me if he had cheese in his beard. I'm about to die.
Also can you rate on a scale of zero to jesus restraining order christ how creepy it is that he found a porn star that looks like me and has watched all the porn that she's been in
How'd the date with the redheaded dentist go?
She didn't like my gingervitis joke
We christened the whole apartment and fucked on the balcony. It was amazing. I'm 100% sure downtown heard me climax. Now we can unpack.
Also, can next Friday be Long Underwear Friday instead of Jockstrap Friday? Because I'm about to cough up a testicle.
At first I was nervous, then drunk me thought: What other chance will you realistically have to fuck a British guy?
like honestly, the vodka had to go somewhere, and your moms soap dispenser just seemed right at the time..
Randomize
