Just incase you were wondering, the count of ladies who have perioded on chairs at our fine restaurant is now at 3.
you need to not memorize your credit card number for drunk pizza
funny how all you have to say is "i'm infertile" and boys are stoked on you
i can't remember the last friday i didn't spend in the foetal position
My dry heaving is complicating my ability to speak.
I want a nosebag of coke after my exam. Like what horses have. Coked up horses. No excuses. I love you.
I feel like an ass. I'm not blacking out ever again. I want to clean your feet for a year. Just like Jesus did.
When he grabbed my tits it felt like he was either giving me a mammogram or trying to pierce my nipples with his fingers.
Fair enough. Everyone has some guilty pleasures. Yours is yourself
It is completely possible to eat beef jerky sexually.
He's thawing a cheesecake on his stomach. We're that high.
I just wanted to be the best at what I did even if that included sexing a whole fraternity or sorority ya know?
you are singlehandedly the most cursed object the universe ever conceived
Your sister walked upto me in the middle of the hallway and was like get us beer or shes never having sex with you ever again, wtf
Can we skype so I'm not drinking alone?
Randomize
