what do you think about when you wanna get rid of a boner?
dying kittens.
i gained so much weight this year, i put on my string bikini underwear and couldnt see the string anymore! i hate my life.
i had just passed the point of no return when my mom opened my door. I hid my dick and took the porn off the computer in time but i still had to explain my day at school to her WHILE i was jizzing in my pants.
So he ended up having sex with me, but it was so awkward. When it was over, he went to the bathroom, and he came back and asked, "are you on your period or something? there's blood on my dick..." and i said, "well it was supposed to start today, nice surprise...i am so embarrassed." and he said ,"it's better than you queefing." and as soon as he said that, i queef the hardest and loudest i ever had.
I sold 10 pepperonis for 5 dollars last night....i fucking love drunk people
The only thing worse than listening to you two fuck all night was waking up and smelling bacon and there not being any left.
True friends don't judge, they just try to have more booty calls than you do.
If the river was whiskey, it would be the best river ever.
She loves introducing her friends to my foreskin.
someone wrote my own number down on my hand and then call me.
I just spent 3 hours in the back of an unmarked police cruiser. Best. Date. Ever.
WHY DID YOU NOT OFFER TO LET HIM STAY
Dude, it's like you want him inside me more than i do
How did I end up in some random dudes car?
Some guy came up to you and asked if you knew how to drive stick.
So i dislocated my knee but still went home and fucked his brains out. Nothing gets in the way of my sex life. NOTHING.
You drank whiskey for 9 hours and did not eat anything.Nothing good was going to come from that.
Randomize
