i may or may not have been spotted by tourists while getting head in the vicinity of the jefferson memorial
i flashed his best friends last night
you always were good at making good first impressions
You fell asleep with your fingers in my vagina. You made this a relationship.
He came, while we were making out fully clothed. I'm going to write a book.
should i go to class, or party with a mariachi band?
meriachi band is very tempting, do they have dos equis?
A blow job from a tiger shark would still entail less risk to your genitals than having sex with her.
Because guys aren't supposed to cry. Especially when it's over a dude singing a Christmas carol.
That's what he gets for shittin at the strip club. Who does that??
A surplus of mistakes were made and I don't know what 89% of them were.
I sat on his face and watched Mean Girls. It was a good date.
you know you're in deep when you watch fear and loathing in las vegas and every damn scene is relatable.
my roommate had drunk sex above me in our bunk bed and then built me a fort to apologize the next day
Why is there bacon in the couch?
one of my coworkers asked me if I was PMSing today...... excuse me sir, but it is none of your business as to what my uterus is or is not doing right now. fucker.
and yea, I'm PMSing.
shit i just threw up on a freshman
i don't know if i should laugh or feel bad..
nevermind it was a sophmore, laugh.
Randomize
