omg so im topless lying on my bed and i forgot my nail clippers are on my bed and i just leaned forward and the nail clipper closed. on my nipple. ouch
my drunk uncle just explained that turkeys are not gentle lovers... and no context doesn't make it better.
I should have some sort of frequent buyer card or something. I just bought my third bottle of Captain this week. It's Wednesday.
I feel like I should be doing a victory lap around my house to the rocky music, or zapping and smiting people with my mystic wizard powers
Dear god. Please. Please do NOT deprive yourself of dick for 90 days. Blood will spill. Wolverines will howl. I can't handle that kind of terror.
Cheez-its and a bottle of cab...for under $10 you could win this girls heart
So what happened? Or does sex + ramen pretty much cover it?
At dinner her sister yelled "he fucked me AND mom!! Up your standards hoe!!" Safe to say I ruined that family
And why in he fuck did I get 'dick' in Romanian tattooed on my forearm
I just want to buy drugs without having to pay an arm and a leg for it. Is that a horrible thing to ask for?
I mean, it's not like you can exactly complain to the manager and higher ups about it.
I woke up in a bush somewhere in Tucson with a full suit on. Great way to end my birthday.
I thought one was bad but really there are two woman stupid enough to marry our brother...unreal
Remember, I smoked so you wouldn't have to. I'm like the Jesus of Marijuana.
Dude, I need a fuckin wingman and this could finally make us eskimo brothers, how can you pass that up?
I can barely operate my hands; what makes you think I can operate my dick
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