I just woke up with a girl who has left and right tattoed on her wrists. In french. I may need to stop drinking.
i soberly give you permission to do that to me when im drunk
You were so drunk that some guy dressed as Harry Potter pointed his wand at you and screamed "Accio SHITSHOW"
She said she was an education major and you replied with "oh I'm taking a semester off too". And we never saw her again...
And I would just like to take the time to say my boobs look great today.
maybe these stereotypes wouldn't come up if you would stop taking body shots off another
Me and him getting it in is for special occasions only. Like Christmas and when they bring the McRib back.
I'm standing at the bottom of the driveway w a sign that says plow me
Uh, he still talks to you after you basically sexually harassed him using emojis?
I know, it's just the worst. Also, security almost took the burrito I brought for lunch. I thought I was going to have to pull a Liz Lemon and eat the whole thing before I could go through.
I melted cheese on my pizza rolls. When I die make sure someone melts cheese on my rolls.
Why the fuck are you playing with legos?
Why the fuck are you questioning me?
If he has a beard, chances are, that’s an open invitation to sit on his face
Was I just dreaming, or was there a corpse at work last night?
She was just sleeping.
Is it bad that I'm kind of disappointed by that?
I'm not just straddling the line between love and hate, I'm dry humping the shit out of it
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