so he came in my eye... should i throw out my contacts?
Sorry I couldn't get my dick out
im afraid if i stop breathing i will turn into a porcupine
You are beautiful! I got thrown out of a bar tonight for throwing my shoe. It was at my sister, I don't know why they were mad. I know her.
She makes me want to eat babies and throw kittens in pots of boiling water.
According to this USDA thing I just read, I should either get upper respiratory issues or begin to bleed from my nose and mouth.
getting up at 8am to start drinking seemed like a much better idea before I had to wake up at 8am
I send him pictures of my tits whenever I feel like he's paying too much attention to his girlfriend.
I fell into his fridge. I want to leave.
Dude, did you fall in a toilet on the way over here?
Was face down in one actually. Bars 2, Drew 0.
My backyard is filled with beer cans. You idiots turned our backyard into a redneck ball-pit
The girl in line in front of me at the grocery store is buying wine, m&m minis, a toothbrush, and condoms. Is it inappropriate to high-five her?
you made it your goal to puke in every planter around the union. you got most of them. im proud of you
I haven't been drunk for four days and just realized I haven't taken a shit for three. This can't be healthy.
Which part?
it was a 'fall asleep on the bathroom floor after puking bc the cold tile is legit more comfortable than your bed' kind of night.
Randomize
