1:57 a.m. Where did you go???
1:58 a.m. What are you doing? I want to go home with you, why aren't you responding?
2:11 a.m. Heading back to your place now, will you let me in?
She asked if my windows were tinted enough for road head.
When you awake you'll realize that your car is missing....just know that I had it and becuz of your car I hooked up with the hot bar tender that looks like that guy from bay-watch however I parked it in a loading zone and it was towed...that sex was TOTALLY worth it love you
So last night ended up making out with a girl going to jail on sunday...she wrote down her address so I can make conjugal visits...
We got security called on us. Apparently the wedding down the street didn't appreciate the trespassing or our loud as fuck rendition of We Are Young.
They didn't have a "sorry I was late for your birthday party because I was getting arrested" card.
You paid a stripper $40 to choke me out last night.
You fell asleep on the toilet and he was like uh should I take her off?
His fucking flight got canceled because the president stopped at the airport he was flying out of... Fuckin Obama literally just cock blocked me
There's a kitten on my face and I'm druuuunk
I've amended my previous statement: I'm not allowed to put in my two weeks till I ask out the waitress. Now I have motivation on two levels
I don't really want to explain what i mean by this so just answer yes or no. are 5 cows enough?
But he said I was unpatriotic for not having sex with him. What was I suppose to say to that?
I have a dinner date combo blowjob event with Tristan tonight.
I'm gonna make out with this 38 yr old. Mark my words. I don't even have daddy issues.
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