Why don't I have your new number? And who have I been texting?
I thought if I stared at him long enough he'd walk me to my car. but he didn't. he dddidn't. i rreally thought i had those powers.
He told me about his girlfriends trust issues during our post sex spooning
My nipple ring got caught on the rug again. Tequila makes me unlearn these things
Dude the animal human society told us we could get a dog when we came back sober. I cant wait.
Had "I should be in prison or dead" storytime at the bar. Found out James has done blow off a dead guy. Overwhelmed and speechless.
WHY AM I ALWAYS THE ASSHOLE WHO BREAKS OUT THE SHOTS
Dude, you disappeared somewhere on the walk back and shortly after we got a call from your cell phone from this guy explaining that him and his roommates woke up to the smell of burning pizza and a naked stranger on their couch.
To my ex and my favorite mistake: I totally enjoyed hearing you have erectile disfunction via baby monitor!
We were in the middle of fucking and she was just like "Do ya wanna play Harry Potter Scene It?" I musta been really bad lol Anyways, her tattoo healed nicely.
Also at one point I told him to say my name and it took him like 5 seconds to remember.
People like you and me aren't meant to go this long without having sex
Do not, I repeat, DO NOT uncuff him no matter how much he begs. He knows what he did.
Update: I spent 10 minutes trying to fish out a rogue vagina weight.
I just texted him from the other room to come have sex with me-stress relieved
You are such a millennial
Randomize
