Does it really count as two different guys if they're brothers? I like to think of it as one and a half.
17 year olds will be the death of me.
At least the cops kept you away from sleeping with her. Protect and Serve.
Just got judged by the front desk clerk, 2 maids and a security guard at the Sheraton. I've decided to use this as a character building experience.
They woke me up at 4 in the morning screaming "drunk adventure time!" because they needed a sober chaperone. They made me walk them around the block shoeless.
IM A DRUNK BIRTHDAY CLEOPATRA MESS. CELEBRATE THAT BITCH
In lieu of flowers, please donate to The Hungover Children's Fund in my name.
Bring enough bail money and little extra for tacos after
Seriously I just dipped a banana in vodka I really need to stop drinking
If you're asking how many times you took off your clothes and played with the tiki torches.....the answer is 3.
Because it's not worth it. And there is no nice way of saying "sorry, you're not good enough at sex for me to drive 45 mins"
I know I say this every year but 2015 will be the year I finally have sex with David's sister
Remind me to tell you all about the topless girl on the street who attempted to taze me.
I saw a picture of a baby and it reminded me to take my birth control. Priorities
I didn't want him to hear me sneaking in. The doggie door was the perfect solution.
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