my best friend tried to rape me with a pineapple
some kid came into the principals office and tried to explain what he was sent there for through interpretive dance.
Its Friday night, and I'm sitting at home watching are you smarter then a 5th grader, drinking vodka. I got every single question wrong. Clearly you see where I'm headed in life.
Just rolled over and found your boyfriend in bed with me. Is mine at your house?
Just turned your apartment into a democracy and were voting on who takes shots next
And we just chatted casually as i peed on the floor and she peed in the toilet
I found my keys in the basement freezer. Drunk me is a sneaky little bastard.
I just remembered that we had an in-depth conversation about how it was too stressful to wear pants.
well you don't shave your pubes into a handlebar mustache and keep the party to yourself
i keep replaying things i did last night. and remembering new things. and its a constant cycle of torture
I HAVE PIZZA MONEY AT ALL TIMES IT'S CALL EMERGENCY PLANNING
I'm getting paid over-time to sit on reddit and look at dicks and abs all day. I'm really happy right now.
How’s your Christmas Eve so far?
I just chased my melatonin with red wine. It’s 12:00pm.
He walked upstairs in nothing but his boxers and drunkenly asked my brother for a condom....so much for a good first impression.
I told him I thought I was pregnant and he told me he accidentally killed my bird.
Circle of life.
Randomize
