Note to self: When getting ready to leave with a kid in a wheelchair don't say Let's roll
I have glitter on my penis. Do you know anything about this?
I'm not really that drunk, but I think vampires should glow in the dark because otherwise it's just unfair
Found more tequila
You were so drunk that you were trying to take pictures of a MILF at the park so you could send them to Adam, but you didn't want to "seem creepy," so you used taking pictures of her son as a cover. Needless to say, cops were called.
after last night i think it would be a good idea if i wrote a will... you know, just in case.
I can blatently call girls sluts here and they think i'm speaking norwegian
Oh god. There is a bite mark in the bar of soap. Please tell me I was not that wasted.
hungover subway ride filled with german tourists and a mariachi band. too early. too fuckin early
i was congratulating myself on not falling down the stairs when i walked into the wall. it's like one step forward, two steps into the fucking wall
Nothing like running into your favorite bartender in the middle of the afternoon while stone cold sober and being told your grabbed his penis the last time you were at his bar. My bad.
He said the first movie he ever jerked off to was Titanic because he knew "they were totally doing it in that car."
I just watched a stripper purchase $43 of Rockstar and corn nuts. Godamnit! We need helmet cams.
If i'm forever fucked up in this state of mind then I'm going to kill him for this
Okay so I just had a really great idea
no.
All I could think about was how many vaginas had been on the toliet that I was pukin in
Randomize
