there's a taquito in the driveway. If it's not yours I'm going to eat it.
I just woke up at my desk with "To Whommmmmmmmm" typed on a letter. I have no memory of waking up, getting dressed or driving in.
You insisted we put glow sticks on you so that we didn't lose you if you went pee in the dark.
Today is leap day..... If that's not an excuse to blackout all day I don't know what is
That's the best thing about having gay dads, you don't gotta do shit on mothers da and everybody is down wit getting wasted on mimosas at brunch
so I am that guy with the red solo cup in class. someone has to step it up.
Since the world is still here you can go ahead and disregard those pictures I sent
You need to get laid. You spent last night stumbling through the club pulling couples apart and telling them to leave room for Jesus.
How drunk do you think I'll be by the time I get home?
I just watched you drink a whole glass of wine through a Twizzler. Pretty drunk.
Company sent me first class out of state, got so drunk on the plane I started handing out pillows and blankets to the people in coach
Thank you for holding my butt in a non-sexual manner when its cold. I appreciate you and your warm hands.
I must stop trying to make out with my friends when I'm hammered.
How's moving going?
Uh, we're on the way to the store to buy more booze
Answered a bio test question bc of watching phineas and ferb. Remind me to always drink when studying.
In my life time, I want nothing more than to get a blow job while watching Space Jam.
Randomize
