The worlds most fuckable chipmunk
Racial profiling caused me to miss two cabs but the third cabs the charm - he's playing Jesus Music
shut up. I wear heels bigger than your dick
I don't think a check that has "thx for the drugs" on the note is really gonna fly.
it was like watching bambi learning to walk, if bambi was 22 and a high functioning alcoholic.
My mom and dad are smoking a joint while lecturing me on what to bring and how to act in Europe. I'll finish this glass of wine and head over.
One reason I feel like garbage: Kraft single wine shots
It's amazing I mean I blew that senator just for him to deny me marriage.... Politics suck and he swallowed!
Waking up with a sore back because you put the team on it for jager pong all night
Jacked up my neck and shoulder hanging on for dear life while I rode him like a boss. Plus my house smells like broccoli, bad! How's YOUR morning?
I just sat in the bathtub with the shower running so I could eat the whole box of mega stuffed Oreos. What am I doing with my life
50% drunk capacity currently
I have invented a new game to play on campus. It's called "Mormons or Pledges?" It's fantastic.
I have to estimate how long it takes them to get to the bedroom so that I can sneak out of my room and get snacks. If she's anything like me, they're in bed the second he gets here and I can get snacks now
Question: have you ever spent your Tuesday evening helping your one-night-stand create a resume? Because I have...
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