hey this is lauren, i have to type for jon because he's convinced the tongs he's holding are his real hands
I skipped work to stalk him.
so when i dont talk to her she talks to herself...idk whats worse
I love watching the kids I sold drugs to score touchdowns
just tell her a well fed dog doesnt stray far from the porch, and if that doesnt work just keep fucking her sisters
she gave me one of those friendship bracelets and said as long as I wore it it was like an all-access pass to her vagina
Whatever, the fact of the matter is that I saved you from poorly planned outdoor sex by doing a rain dance and you should totally thank me.
We got jeff a deep fryer for his bday. So far the count is two potatoes and your iPod.
You ever got drunk on $5? Cuz it's about to happen
Showing up to Easter hungover, late, and covered in black an blues from pole dancing. Daughter of the year.
She's currently doing somersaults across the kitchen floor without underwear on. We may not make it to the bar.
I don't want to sleep with anyone. I just want a burrito
YO. MCGRIDDLES.
I'm handling the NHL draft worse than getting dumped this week
i wish i could put you in a lil box, and keep you for when i need to be blown
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