my throat hurts so bad i feel like i just gave head to a cactus.
I told her I was horny and she said to forget it because she has vagina drama.
WHAT IN THE HELL IS VAGINA DRAMA?!
I'm hard boiling eggs, drinking rum, and talking to my 8 year old brother about the 10's times tables. This is what thursday is all about.
I'm sitting in the middle of them on his bed, forcing them to watch Brokeback Mountain. I am the best cock blocker ever.
He compliments me like a gay guy and fucks me like a starved nympho. I'm in love.
Amazing. Super drunk. We stole a street sign in a golf cart and went around jousting trash cans all night.
I'd say I'd distract him, but I lose my psychic powers when guys get girlfriends. And by psychic powers I mean taking off my top.
Why do I love Florida? Because I just quit my job because it's too pretty a day to go to work and I'm going to the beach to eat seafood and drink beer.
I've been told that their best stripper is on maternity leave. NEVER AGAIN.
We were high as balls fucking in the back seat when we saw the blue lights. He's like, "I got this" and walked over butt ass naked and goes, "Sorry dude, we're just banging" and the cop apologized for disturbing us and drove off.
It was like coming out my mothers vagina again in slow motion
He ripped down his Kate Upton poster while we were having sex last night. Im gonna take that as a good sign.
So the revenge porn my ex posted just resulted in a contract with a gay porn company. I'm going to make $8,000 this weekend. That would a breakup checkmate. Are you joining me in the legislative committee hearing tomorrow?
I feel like your personal Bdsm barbie...
Yes. I had to slow down my handjob so he would last...-and I give shitty handjobs to begin with
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