come downstairs quick. our boyfriends are having a dance off in nothing but their underwear and shoes. and they have semis too.
my mothers day present is going to be not puking at the table during brunch
We were dancing and she was clawing my stomach like a fat kid getting to a half broken pinata.
Oh you know, we just bobbed for apples in a bucket full of jungle juice. So, a casual Tuesday night.
After 3 dates I think I'm failing at painting the "sweet guy with a future" picture and more painting the "this is the guy to call when you've run out of options and want to get fucked in half drunk to forget about it" picture.
They are fixing my bike for free, trying to smoke me out, and their kids keep hugging me.
It's the building I live in, they were lucky I was wearing clothes at all
It sucks laughing and vomiting at the same time, trust me. I kind of remember
Dude, you flipped off a cat from my balcony and yelled at it to get a house
THINK! exactly how many raw eggs did you color and hide in my apt.
You don't understand!!! BACON ROSES!!! Why are you not more excited?!
I just need you to appreciate that this is the first time I've ever been cut off and it's at an airport bar in Philly before 1 o'clock in the afternoon.
Update on my sex life: my calves are sore from masturbating too much. It's a thing. Look it up.
It's routine now. He comes home from work and i ride him like a cowgirl with only a few sips of wine. I love being his neighbor.
Woke up at 5am in an elevator... Pretty much tells you how my weekend went.
Randomize
