i just got a Mexican deported. not sure how to feel.
i wish you could fill a pinata with booze
im keeping my plan b box as a souvenir of my first halloween weekend in college
Helping high family members not look retarded is what family is for
there really is only one way to give a PowerPoint presentation in your senior capstone class: still drunk.
Rubbed one out while on hold to buy tickets to Disneyland. Feel simultaneously like a freak and strangely productive.
I guess he was telling a totally normal story about being a lifeguard and I wouldn't stop screaming "THAT'S LUDICROUS" at random intervals.
Hey.. Here's a thought for the evening. There's only two more sleeps until I fuck you so hard my back teeth will convulse.. Here's too Tuesday! Woohooooo
Come over. I'll eat you out and we'll make bacon.
best text I've received ever.
Dear god how many nuts did u bust in me my vagina feels like a bowl of jello.
Now that makes it sound like you had sex with a guy in batman costume and you never took the mask off so you can't 100 percent be sure.
I ate pizza in bed, sans pants, and then carved a pumpkin. FUNCTIONING ADULT MOTHERFUCKERS!
I've replaced you with thin mints and masturbation
We shared a dick. We're practically sisters!
being broke is really keeping my alcoholism in check
Randomize
