I keep pulling short curlies out of my mouth. Not cool
I mean, he's dancing back and forth between pathetically sad and massively fucking creepy.
She was wasted. Kept yelling "what if I'm pregnant" and trying to push me into the tree. First and last time I bring a girl to my family christmas party.
she might purposely get aids just to give it to you. I think she might hate you that much.
Maybe someone other than the mad hatter should have gone with him to the ER
Just disregard the tooth in the plastic bag in the fridge.
I HOPE YOURE READY TO KICK SOME SERIOUS ASS AT TRIVIA NIGHT TOMORROW NIGHT. also, i hope the birth of your niece goes well. BUT MOSTLY TRIVIA NIGHT.
Beautiful wedding. Beautiful bride. I got shitfaced. Came home and ate two corndogs. I'm still single.
He texted me at 2am telling me to come get my American flag from his place, if that's not code for sex idk what is
This is it. This is the birthday cake that gets me laid.
I just realized that with the new snapchat update / emoji sticker thing I can now use easily use emojis to cover my boobs in nudes.
So it's my mom's birthday and I wanted to be super cheap and just walk up to her and say "I got you the greatest gift ever, mom! I'm actually sober right now!".
I wish there was a tumbleweed emoji. Because that would describe my vagina.
How did you get so drunk?
Alcohol.
Dick pics just aren’t doing it for me, this bowl of Mac n cheese and Game of Thrones trump you tenfold
Randomize
