I got called a slut by a bunch of girls that work at Hooters..wtf is that shit? explain that to me
be a good friend and just tell me i'm not pregnant
It's hard to believe so much cum came out of such a small penis.
reason #14 for loving my boobs...just got out of a 40mph over the limit speeding ticket thru a work zone. i dont think the cop knew i even had a face
I've been alternating between telling people I was mauled by a bear or hit by a car to explain the massive unexplainable bruise on my leg. Slightly more worried now that the car idea is believable.
BRILLIANT IDEA: In honor of summer olympics we need to start a synchronized drinking team.
Remind me to call McDonald's to give a good review of Ruth. She truly demonstrated grace under pressure.
From now on, you must never doubt my ability to go from drunken rambling lovesick girl to Stepford wife within the course of a few hours.
Can you think of a sexual word rhyming with snorkel?
The dominatrix coworker is currently listening to pop music that has been translated into an Irish dialect and sung by high school kids. Every day gets weirder here.
How so I keep attracting the virgins? HOW?
You talk about your love for your ninja turtle onesie when you're drunk. Are you really surprised?
Turns out the guy I did all that coke with the other night is a cop
We're dating now
Thanks for being my best friend so I can use you as an alibi to my family while I'm out getting some dick in my face.
I'm tired of you and your emotional constipation. WHY DO YOU CLOSE YOUR EYES WHEN WE MAKE LOVE!?
Got so drunk I broke my sink in half. Not. Lying.
Randomize
