Why did every guy I have ever slept with have to come into the library today?
Were making a bet for which twin will relapse while in rehab. I'm going for the chubbier one
I stayed up for hours making sure you didnt pass out in a mountain of your own puke. But when I heard you yell AWWWW FUUCCKK, somehow I knew everything would be ok
He googled the address of the bar, then sent me a text saying "6.3 miles. Too far. :( Apparently I am only worth a 5 mile radius.
I love you, but you should know I'll always ditch you for weed.
At least I tried to be smart when I brought the alarm clock into the bathroom just in case I fell asleep.
It took him 5 seconds to cum and then he wanted to hold my hand all night
He actually has his life put together though, during the date we walked by a shoppers drugmart where my friend and I once flashed a janitor and all I could wonder was how does he not see shit show written all over me?
Also, I guess I made friends with the guy who caught me peeing behind a bush.
I was cracking open beer cans, throwing them off the roof, and yelling "FRAG OUT!"
Halfway through the night I was hiding in a trashcan. Then I "sobered" up and ran around the house throwing change because I wanted to make my last moments of 2013 charitable.
I've been vomiting all day.
All day? It's 10am.
I can see your house from here
Get off of his fucking roof
I don't know who he was but he was covered up with a shower curtain and ate a whole bottle of tums
He had a tattoo of a crown above his penis. He was AMAZING! It was well deserved. LONG LIVE THE KING!
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