Do you realize that Last night you pissed in my closet and then walked to the bathroom to wash your hands?
Does anyone know who that girl who fell backwards and broke the shoe rack with her head was?
Two penises later: I might be straighter than I think.
Only time i ever look at my online banking statement is to see when i left the bar.
You misunderstood me....i wasnt asking and it is not negotiable
You're making this sound more like a hostage situation than a booty call.
I'm going for high school drunk, you've got 15 minutes to get here.
I was kind of torn between "Wow, this is awkward," and "Wow, my therapist is hung."
COME HERE WE MELTED A CORONA BOTTLE WITH FIREWORKS
I hoped the great care he put into rolling a blunt would translate to my vagina.
How do you delicately ask if your friend's dad was arrested for solicitation of prostitution?
I stared at him for a solid five minutes because he looked like what I imagine god would look like if god was a lumberjack
This is a mass text to all my friends. Whoever gets this first, please find me and confiscate my phone immediately. I am far too high to have it. Even if you have to punch me in my face to get it. Otherwise, let the "High While Analyzing Disney Movies" texts begin.
The more I drank he just got hotter and hotter. And then the mustache didn't look too bad
They had like literally all the dildos. It looked like a seance for dick. I left the apartment and haven't been back.
So drunk me is not subtlety trying to get her boss to cheat on her husband and have a lesbian affair with me. Sober me is ok with that.
Randomize
