You can't date a girl from every country.
I'm the captain planet of women
We had unprotected sex and she's eating life cereal for breakfast. The universe is telling me get the plan b for her
That's why she's the girl with her life together and you're the girl with the penis drawn on your car.
Call me when you get off. I have stories about black lesbians in jail begging to braid my hair...
Do you know how I hurt my ankle or my shoulder? Or the origin of any of the following mystery bruises: left quad, left wrist, right elbow. Thanks for playing.
But theres a keg here and me gusta
my taxi driver is listening to 50 shades of grey audiobook. this is uncomfortable.
The token old dude at the show tried hitting on us by telling us his favorite rapper was Cayenne West.
Just had sex in an ice hut. What have you done with your holiday break?
shes making a cheerios necklace using dental floss 'just in case' she gets the munchies later
Going to the bathroom drunk while wearing overalls is such a struggle
I broke my heels and ended up on a random party bus where I passed out after a brief stripper pole incident.
That was the night I passed out and someone threw chicken at me. SORRY I wasn't available to cockblock you from that Hispanic dude.
Holy shit, just saw a girl in the library smoking a bong disguised as a calculator
If I make it home without being sick in this captain's hat it will be a fucking miracle.
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