I like it. Barfy the gin-flavoured Assman
Hulk Hogan has now convinced 2 women to marry him & I have yet to have a successful or healthy relationship. I am officially depressed.
So I'm really hungover walking to work and these douches from comcast on bikes ask if they can take a picture with me to show that they're doing their job. The picture: me, this chick from comcast, i'm holding a 2 ft. pixie stick, a comcast flyer and i'm puking in the parking lot. sounds like their doing a good job!
I couldn't even finish, she was lounder and more annoying than DJ Khaled
dude, when you're random girl from last night came down the stairs this morning she fell all the way down. I laughed. She just walked out. I hope shes ok. Tell her I give her a 10 for that landing though.
apparently "my dealer got arrested" is not an acceptable answer when mom asks "What happened? You look sad today"
He puked at the bar then immediately procceded to slip in it, they loaded him up into a wheelchair, then the staff and myself walked him outside, all the while never having to pay for our tab. SO using this strategy again
I'm sorry. But when a stripper driving a Bentley tells me I have potential..... I gotta at least listen to her proposal. God did not mean for me to waste these tits on law school.
you are never too drunk for berry picking
He just tried to eat my hair and he keeps talking about pissing on everything, come home soon I beg of you
The "don't have sex with him again" alerts you set on my phone just started going off.
Good. "Seriously, don't do it" should start in about five minutes.
He fell backwards into a full bathtub but didn't spill a single drop of the beer in his hand. What a pro.
It's funny because every time I go up and down the stairs it's an adventure. A A DRUNK ADVENTURE. PS I ALREADY THREW UP WTF
IT IS NICKEL SHIT NIGHT
*shot. Why
I really need to stop turning to the BDSM dungeon masters of tinder whenever my heart hurts
Randomize
